the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
this will be a night to untag.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
