i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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