So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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