yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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