Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
