He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
