If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
