The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
