I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You can't special order awesome
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
