The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
