bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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