I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
