my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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