her facebook's as public as her vagina
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
