he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
