he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
