Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
