Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
