my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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