no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
