Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
