when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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