you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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