Are we in a gay sports bar?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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