It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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