Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
