im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
