I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
