If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
