i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
