so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
