Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
