I will die if light touches me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
