Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm jealous of your bromance
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Randomize
