Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
