Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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