I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
