I faked an abortion last night.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
