I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
