no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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