The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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