i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
