ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
