took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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