Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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