You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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