HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
