Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
