she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
