and you said cock pushups were impossible
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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