I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
