I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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