found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
